Over the last year, I've learned a lot about myself. While I still struggle with the idea of "knowing myself" fully, I get me more. I remember being 14 or 15, laughing at people who said they didn't know themselves. I didn't understand then that I had no idea who I was, and especially had no idea who I would be. At that time, I would've laughed if you told me how much money I was paying to get a degree in ministry of all things. While it has always been something on my heart and mind, I couldn't have imagined myself enthralled by ministry the way that I am now. That's where it gets tricky though, and brings us back to the idea of knowing one's self. I am learning more about myself every day, and every day I make new decisions about who I want to be. More often than not I probably make the wrong decisions, but at least I'm trying, right? At least I am putting effort into knowing myself and into becoming who I want to be? Looking back again to 14 or 15, I didn't care who I would be. I was so scared of the future, petrified by the thought of moving forward that nothing long-term really mattered to me then. I'm sure if you knew me then you could tell, but at least I can stand here today and say I am not that way anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am still terrified of the future, but I can move towards it with hope that someday things will be right and I will be a person I am proud of. For now I will settle for making any progress where I can get it.
With all that being said, here's the thing: it's really, really hard learning about yourself and simultaneously trying to better yourself. It is an ongoing process that does not come easily sometimes. Luckily, throughout my life, I have been blessed with people who encourage me to be inwardly reflective. I have spent the last year surrounded by people who challenge me. I have entered into new friendships and working relationships that have pushed me. If you're reading this, and you think you may be one of those people, you likely are, so please know that I have changed because of you. I have spent a lot of time this last year with people who hold me accountable, people who show me new perspectives, and people who have handed me new opportunities that made me better. I know its a cliche, but I feel like I don't even know the me from a year ago anymore. I am a totally different person, and I would like to think that's a good thing.
Friends and teachers alike have assured me, in the kindest ways possible, that I am not perfect. While I never really thought I was, there is a mindset that is easy to get stuck in that says, "I am fine the way I am." I want to advocate for being a person you love and are proud of, but it is my opinion that we should want to be better than we are at any given moment. This isn't meant in either a vain way or a self-deprecating way, but rather centers on the idea of being better for those around you, for those you serve, for those you interact with, for yourself, for the world. The better person I can become, the better I can serve those I love. And that's the goal right? To do right by others? Maybe I'm getting that wording wrong, but it is fully my intention to become better day by day so that I can change the lives of those around me, even just a little bit. I don't know how I'd do that by being a better person on an individual scale, but it would be my hope that the "better" qualities I am striving for work together to better equip me to love those around me. I also rely heavily on divine intercession to become better as well as serve better. Bit by bit, I learn who I am, and bit by bit that person (hopefully) becomes stronger, kinder, more generous, and more caring.
So, the question stands: who am I now, and who am I becoming? Despite all my best efforts at reflection and introspection, I do not know. Like I said, I am learning about myself, and have learned a lot, but I still don't know. Due to the nature of our human experience, and the nature of my desire to continually be growing myself, I may never know. That's just something I'll have to get used to. I am constantly changing, so I must also be constantly learning about myself. Life at 20 was full of changes, both positive and negative, but I wouldn't change it. What I learned about myself, I took to heart. Using what I now know about who I am and who I want to be, maybe 21's changes will be bigger and better. Either way, I am both excited and terrified to peak behind the curtain of the upcoming year of my life. I'll be praying I change for good, and hopefully I really do.
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